


Just Once More

by Anonymous



Category: Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25718536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Kaylor in the aftermath of the news of Karlie's engagement
Relationships: Karlie Kloss/Taylor Swift
Comments: 10
Kudos: 77
Collections: Anonymous





	Just Once More

**Author's Note:**

> Choo choo! Guess who finally watched Miss Americana, cried her eyes out over Folklore, and boarded the Kaylor train? I'm new, so I'm still figuring out the timeline and what the fuck certain things mean (what's the significance of spade?), so I apologize for any errors, but I've also drunk the kool-aid and there's no going back now.

**July 2018**

Taylor's gotten into the habit of not constantly being online. It took a lot of therapy ( _so much_ therapy), but she's realized she's happier living in real life. She's still on her phone a lot, but most of the time, it's to call her team or text her friends or take a cute selfie at the gym.

Most of the time, it works out fine.

But there is that one time she finds out the love of her life is engaged after the rest of the world does.

It happens like this.

* * *

It's been a long couple of months on the _Reputation_ tour for Taylor. She loves touring and her fans, but even by seasoned veterans' standards, planning on 53 shows worldwide in six months is a superhuman feat.

Comfortable lodging is never an issue, of course, but there's something soothing about being close enough to stay at one of her homes in between performing to sold-out stadiums. She has a few days to rest before her next concert in Foxborough. She spends the whole first day sleeping.

By the second day though, she's restless. As much as she likes having a break from the hustle and bustle of touring, there's one person she'd like to see.

 **Taylor:** _are you in ny?_

 **Sunshine:** _for now_

 **T:** _come over?_

 **S:** _give me 15_

She has an assistant pick up some groceries and is in the process of browsing a cookbook at the counter when the front door opens. She doesn't look up. "Hey, what are you thinking? I'm stuck between pumpkin pancakes, eggplant parmesan, or mac and cheese with cheesy garlic bread and then maybe cinnamon rolls for dessert?"

Karlie doesn't answer.

Taylor looks up and freezes at the sight of her expression, caught between naked longing and despair. "Babe, what's wrong?"

Karlie smooths her face into something less distraught. "Nothing. Bad day."

Taylor hops off her stool and reaches above the sink for the wine rack. "What are you feeling? White? Red? A good rose?"

"Do you have any Moscato?"

Taylor pauses before she says, "Of course." Karlie only drinks sparkling wine when she's feeling really emotional. Usually in a bad way. Karlie comes up behind Taylor and drapes her arms around her waist, tucking her head into Taylor's neck, as Taylor pours two generous portions into wine glasses. "You must've had a terrible day."

Karlie hums affirmatively against her neck, the ends of her hair tickling Taylor's skin. "How was your day?"

"Fine. Quiet. I have to be in Massachusetts in a few days for the next concert, but other than that, I have a ton of free time to spend with you."

Karlie makes a small, strangled sound.

Taylor frowns. "What's going on?"

Karlie doesn't answer. She moves around her kitchen effortlessly like she's at home, even with a wine glass in one hand. There's no noisy clanging of pots and pans as she takes out a block of sharp cheddar from Taylor's fridge, the cheese grater, and a bowl. "Let's make mac and cheese. I need some comfort food."

While Taylor waits for the water to boil, she leans against the counter. She takes a sip of her sweet wine. "Do you wanna talk about it?" she ventures tentatively.

"Later," Karlie answers, savagely shredding the cheese. "I'm...trying to find the right words."

Karlie plays some sad, French instrumental music through the built-in bluetooth speakers that Taylor would normally tease her for, but she holds her tongue. Whatever this is, it's bad.

Finally, while they're waiting for the garlic bread to toast, Karlie says, "Do you remember one of the first times you invited me over here? When we sat out on the balcony and talked about fame?"

_It had been years and years ago, but Taylor remembers she'd never felt quite so close to someone so quickly. They'd drunk way too much espresso on her balcony, giddy on caffeine, and talked about everything and nothing at all. But one of the things that'd come up was an introspective conversation about the industry._

_"You know," Taylor had said, looking out at the Manhattan skyline, "this is beyond anything I hoped for when I was growing up."_

_Karlie lolled her head to the side to stare at her and grin. "Me too. St. Louis is pretty much as far away from New York and LA as you can get and still stay in the continental US."_

_"I know the feeling. Pennsylvania and Tennessee don't got nothing on this view. But it's...not what I expected though."_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Don't get me wrong, I love it. I love the fans. I love that I get paid to do what I love, which is way more than what most people get. But there are some days where I'm so tired. I'm tired of being criticized for everything I do. I hate the lack of privacy. And it's so isolating. I'm so successful and I buy pretty much whatever I want, but I didn't realize how lonely I'd be. There's so many people around me all the time: my team, hair and makeup, publicists, talk show hosts, the list goes on and on. And I still feel so alone sometimes."_

_Karlie nodded. "It's a double-edged sword, for sure. Modeling is insanely difficult to stand out in, and when your youth and beauty is the only thing you're judged on, you only have a very limited amount of time before you're replaced." She paused. "I love modeling and I'm good at it, but sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I'd stayed anonymous. Maybe went to college." She smiled. "Eat carbs without counting them."_

_"Do you ever wish you could give it up for a day?" Taylor asked, leaning forward._

_"What do you mean?"_

_She gestured to the streets below, crawling with minuscule people going about their business. "It's hard when your face is your brand, but if you could like, wipe it from people's consciousness for a day. Walk on the street without bodyguards. Eat at restaurants without being tailed by paps. Get your nails done at an actual salon. Just breathe. Blend in with the crowd."_

_Karlie laughed, a head thrown back, shoulder-shaking laugh. "It's a little hard to blend in when you're the girl equivalent of a giraffe, but yeah. I know what you mean." There were remnants of her laugh on her face when she turned to look at her, one corner of her mouth upturned higher than the other, and reached out to hold Taylor's hand. And perhaps this was the moment when Taylor felt herself fall in love, just a little bit. "But I think it's as lonely at the bottom as it is on top."_

_"Maybe we can keep each other company," Taylor said, her heart beating hard for such an innocent statement. Maybe it was just all the espresso._

_And Karlie had looked at her which such soft eyes. "Of course. As long as you'll have me."_

Taylor cocks her head. It's an odd conversation to bring up all these years later. "Yeah." She smiles. "I remember thinking I couldn't believe it was possible to get a hangover from coffee."

Karlie chuckles, but it's weak. "I was just thinking...nothing's really changed, has it?"

Taylor runs through their conversation in her head. "No. I guess not." She reaches out to hold Karlie's hand and press a kiss to their knuckles. "And I still have you."

Karlie smiles, but it's tinged with something Taylor can't name. She pulls her closer and wraps her arms around her. Taylor presses herself closer, trying to convey silent comfort. They sway gently in the kitchen to the soft, French music for a while before the oven dings.

Karlie seems to perk up a little over dinner. She's not quite as boisterous as she usually is, but she's closer to her normal self. They talk about her upcoming shoots and Taylor's crazy schedule on tour. After dinner, they do the dishes together. Karlie gives them both matching soapsud mustaches.

They naturally gravitate toward the living room with more wine. Karlie collapses on the sofa in a mess of limbs and Taylor follows, because she can't help but be caught in her orbit. Karlie swirls her glass contemplatively.

"Netflix?" Taylor asks, already reaching for the remote.

"Yeah." She curls into Taylor's side as she browses. She yawns. "Something mindless. I can't focus on anything today."

Taylor settles on _Friends_. It's a safe option: a good background show, one that everyone and their mom has seen at least once.

Halfway through the third episode, Taylor drifts off.

She doesn't know how much time has passed when Karlie nudges her. "Tay?" she asks in a very small voice.

"Hmm?" Taylor mumbles, still half-asleep.

"I need to tell you something."

"Yeah, of course. What's up?" she says, trying to stifle a yawn. The sun is just beginning to set, casting everything in a dim glow. Karlie's eyes shine suspiciously with what look like tears in the dying light.

"I love you," Karlie whispers.

"Love you too," she murmurs, falling forward into the crook between Karlie's neck and bony-ass collarbone.

"No come on, sit up. This is important," Karlie says, exasperated.

Taylor reluctantly straightens up, rubbing her eyes. "I'm awake, I'm awake."

Karlie takes a breath. "I love you, but I-I..." She tries to speak, but nothing comes out. Wordlessly, she pulls a necklace out from under her collar. There, dangling from the chain around her neck, glints a diamond ring. "Josh proposed today," she finishes dully.

"Oh," Taylor says. Vaguely, she knows she should say "congratulations," but that thought is lost as tunnel vision kicks in. There's a roaring in her ears like she's drowning. She's had her heart broken many times before, but it's never felt quite this visceral. Taylor doesn't know how long she sits there in shocked silence. It could be a few seconds. It could be several centuries. But finally, she asks faintly, "What did you say?"

"I said yes."

" _Why?_ " Taylor's voice cracks in anguish.

Tears start to slide down Karlie's cheeks. "Tay, what we have, it's not..."

"Don't say it's not real. Don't you dare say it's not real," Taylor says fiercely. "I love you!"

"I love you too, but this isn't something you want to make public. And that's fine! You have your career to think of. And like you said, you're already judged so harshly by the things you're doing already. I don't know what would happen if you came out, with me of all people. But you have to understand, I can't...I can't keep waiting for you."

"But why him?" Taylor can't help the whine that slips into her voice.

She's still crying, but her voice is steady when Karlie says, "Why Joe?"

"He's safe," Taylor says automatically. "He never asks for anything I can't give him. The media doesn't care about him, other than he's my boyfriend."

Karlie nods. "Josh is safe for me, too."

"But not a safe choice when it comes to media coverage, especially considering who his brother's father-in-law is."

"Don't bring that up," Karlie says, an edge in her voice. "Josh is a good man. You know that has nothing to do with him."

Taylor could dig in, start a fight, but she's so tired. She can't bear the thought of losing Karlie.

Karlie licks her lips. "The wedding is planned for October. Will you...will you come? For me?"

Taylor starts to cry too. She's never been a pretty crier. Not like Karlie, who makes everything look easy and effortless. When she cries, she takes great, heaving gasps, but she manages to force out between sobs, "I'll...be in...Australia."

Karlie chuckles mirthlessly. "Like being halfway across the world has ever stopped the Taylor Swift from being wherever she wanted before." She brushes loose strands of hair back from Taylor's forehead, and she looks so heartbroken, even with her face half-shadowed like this, and Taylor _misses_ her, even when she's right next to her.

"I can't... _I can't..._ watch you...marry him," she cries.

Karlie pulls her into a hug. "Okay," she murmurs into Taylor's hair. "Okay."

When her sobs have subsided somewhat, she whispers into Karlie's warm skin, "Do you still love me?"

"Forever and always," Karlie whispers back.

And Taylor closes her eyes, because she doesn't expect Karlie to know everything but every one of her songs, but that phrase has been ruined for her. It reminds her of someone slipped away in a relationship and it seems that history is doomed to repeat itself.

She turns her head slightly and presses her lips to the soft spot where Karlie's razor-sharp jaw meets her ear, and Karlie shivers, just like she knew she would. "Does he know how to touch you like I do?" Despite her vindictive intent, her voice turns out soft and vulnerable.

"Taylor..." Karlie warns.

"Does he?"

"No," she admits.

Taylor trails her lips along Karlie's jaw. She pulls back ever so slightly, to see her effect on Karlie: her half-closed eyes and heaving chest, before she leans forward to kiss her. She bites gently on Karlie's lower lip, tasting the salt of her tears. They kiss softly, too raw for passion, but Taylor is acutely aware of their dwindling time together. She can't enjoy the feeling of being Karlie's arms when she knows this is something she might never have again. Past Taylor was so foolish, to think that this would last forever.

Too soon, Karlie puts a hand on Taylor's chest. She doesn't push but it's clearly a barrier between them. "I can't do this anymore. Not now that I'm going to marry him."

Two more tears escape. "Can I kiss you again? Just once more?"

"Just once more," Karlie agrees, her voice breaking.

Their last kiss is chaste. Taylor is too afraid to reach out and hold her, afraid that Karlie will push her away.

When Karlie pulls away, she's crying again. "Do you think we can still be friends?"

"I don't know," Taylor says. "I love you too much to pretend I'm happy just being friends with you."

"I don't want to lose you forever," Karlie whispers, taking her hand.

"Don't marry him," Taylor breathes, even though she knows better. She knows better. "Stay here with me. We'll go wherever we want, whenever we want. No one has to know. It'll just be us."

Karlie shakes her head. "It's a beautiful daydream, but you and I both know it doesn't work like that. Not if we want to keep working." She tries to smile, but doesn't quite get there. "You're too wonderful not to share with the rest of the world, even if that means you'll never be mine." She stands. "I should go."

"Please don't." Taylor doesn't let go of her hand. "Stay the night?"

Karlie manages to smile this time. It doesn't look particularly happy. "I can't. I'll end up doing something I'd regret and I-I'm trying to be better. For him." But she leans down, like she can't help it, and presses her lips against Taylor's forehead. Taylor closes her eyes at the touch. "Goodnight, Tay."

Taylor doesn't answer.

The front door closes with a _snick_.

She sits there, paralyzed with anguish, for the better part of an hour. She is young, attractive, and rich enough to buy a multimillion dollar mansion in cash. On the outside, it seems like she has everything she would ever want. But she still can't have the one person she's desperately in love with.

She's jolted out of her self-pity by a sudden surge of rage. Suddenly, she's filled with a manic energy. She paces, trying to stop herself from smashing everything in her condo. She downs another glass of Moscato, trying to prolong Karlie's taste in her mouth before she stalks to her bedroom and rips open her desk drawer. She fumbles for a notebook and a pen.

She writes, her shaky handwriting the only evidence of her distress.

_And that's the thing about illicit affairs_   
_And clandestine meetings and longing stares_   
_It's born from just one single glance_   
_But it dies and it dies and it dies_   
_A million little times_

She scowls. This is all wrong for her upcoming album, which is supposed to be all about being at peace in love, but perhaps it'll come in handy one day.

**Author's Note:**

> When I die, St. Peter will say, "I can't believe you wrote RPF" and cast my gay ass into Hell where I belong.   
> 


End file.
